my first

sometimes i'm relief when i'm thinking about it.
why?
because i know that he will always stand for me.

but actually, the real condition has different story.
i'll be a big liar if i say i don't love my first very much.
well almost every second i always think about : how to make him happy, how to give more concern, how to be close with, how to have several times together or sometimes about whats he doing, what he likes, whats wrong with me , whats wrong with him, and many others question.
i can't show this feeling with only some words or some actions, maybe i'm not so expert to do that, but i just want him to know that i'm with him.

:(

but,sometimes i see and listen something that i don't want to see or hear come out from the one.
and when i see another boy never give up and always try hard to create wonderful things with his own, i will ask about where the place i can get it.

sometimes, we need more efforts.. its okay for me to forget my important business for just saying hello or hai, as well as it makes happines for this one... this is what i never accept back from... i don't know which one is my position number, 2,3,4,5... but of course i'm not so meaningful for to be number one. :)
he has his studying groups,classmate meeting, or another things that will make me ignore easily, even we have made some plans and i have been here more than 8 months.

i'm trying to understand,i'm trying, i swear.
i'm not the one that really easy to fall in love with someone,
so when i have, you can guess how i'll be like

"just look at me and try to find me"
i can't count how much tears have been the victim.
i don't know until what time i can be so patient

but if I can not stand it anymore, allow me to end this memorable story